Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-EW! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week."

OK, so I can be a bit 'sincere occasionally. It's not something I would say to Attila the Hun pep during a pre-event battle. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my friend Bart.

"Pee-EW! You have bad breath."

So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me with a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I feel great," he said. "You know why?"

"You just won the gold medal for Turkey to launch ten meters?"

"No," he said. "But thanks for the suggestion. I will start training tomorrow."

"Ok, I surrender. Why you feel so great?"

"Because I've discovered an easy way to stop bad breath," he said. "Want to guess how?"

"You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are following the instructions?"

"Sa-ay, this is a good idea," Bad Breath Bart said. "But not all. My plan is even simpler. I covered my bad breath."

"Bart, who does not work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and declared 'Veni Vidi Vino', people are trying to cover up their breath. Mint, but simply is not strong enough."

"Bingo!" he cried. "Mint is too weak, so I found something stronger. Want to guess what?"

"You've been rinsing with milk five weeks of age?"

"No.".

"You have discovered that the colony is best taken internally?"

"No.".

"You have downed a bottle of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?"

"No.".

This puzzle gave me a headache. "I give up, Bart. What's your secret to stopping bad breath? "

"Garlic," he said.

"Garlic?"

"Garlic. Now nobody can smell my breath, because everything is the smell of garlic," he beamed.

"Garlic?"

"Sure, there are some side effects," Bad Breath Bart noted. "For example, my pet vampire has fled. And this afternoon I sent a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door."

"I can offer an alternative, Bart? Something that will not put his nose in a cast every time you are irresistible desire to blow your wife?"

"Sure."

"Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That always works for me."

"Wow. This is a mouthful," Bad Breath Bart exclaimed.

I was happy to have finally given Bad Breath Bart a mouthful that would actually help him cure his problems. I do not anticipate the call I received the following evening.

"Hey, Happy Guy. Thanks for the tip," Bad Breath Bart said. "This cetlip cettap centapyr ... ... ... That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb."

"Excellent!" I was thrilled that he took my advice and that was working so well.

"Yeah. It tastes really great," he continued.

"Tastes great?"

"You bet. And so filling, too."

Suddenly I heard a disturbing feeling closed in, "What do you mean by 'fill'?"

"After I got that ... ... ... cettep cetilp certip that unpronounceable concoction, I do not feel hungry," he said.

"Bart, what you put into this mix?"

"Oh, the usual - Ten scoops of ice cream, a cup of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat's ear and the juice of maraschino cherry jar," he said.

"But this will not stop your bad breath."

"Oops. I also added that cetip ... ... ... that CETP certilp unpronounceable ingredient," he added. "It 's certainly tasted good."

Just then, my wife entered the room. "Honey, I just made one of your favorite banana-strawberry smoothie", said with a smile.

I began watching the glass in his hand. I looked down. I looked at him from below. I looked all around it.

"What are you looking for," he asked.

I knew you would not believe me. "Chocolate chips and cornflakes.