Halloween Howler

Halloween Howler

1. What rock star worked as an undertaker before starting his musical career?
A. Roy Orbison
Billy Joel B.
C. Mick Jagga
D. Rod Stewart

1. What famous rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
D. Rod Stewart
TBD: It was not QuizQueen guess both, but that's what the research says!

2. That tradition was not a precursor to Halloween?
R. The Celtic tradition of thanksgiving after the harvest season?
B. The European tradition of lighting candles and masquerading in costumes to frighten evil spirits away.
C. The celebration of the birth of Marilyn Manson.
D. The Irish custom where wealthy landowners would give food to the poor, hoping that the ghosts would look favorably upon them and save them from evil.

2. That tradition was not a precursor to Halloween?
C. The celebration of the birth of Marilyn Manson.
TBD: Gosh The QuizQueen sure hope you're right. Although I wonder what historians will conclude in the next millennium after studying the effluvium we leave behind.

3. What phobia is the fear of Halloween?
A. Caspariophobia
B. Samhainophobia
C. Demonophobia
D. Boophobia

3. What phobia is the fear of Halloween?
B. Samhainophobia
TBD: Personally, QuizQueen has always been more frightened of Caspar of Celts, but you can not quibble with the facts.

Four. Where does the name "Halloween" come from?
A. In Scotland, the Celtic festival of the Sun, which marked the end of the summer was known as "Halloween."
B. In Ireland, the Celtic festival of the Sun, which marked the end of the summer was known as "Hollow Eve."
C. The Druids held a ritual on that night honoring the leader of their sect. His name was Hal Ween.
D. The ceremony in Rome to bury an empty coffin to trap evil spirits beneath the earth.

Four. Where does the name "Halloween" come from?
A. In Scotland, the Celtic festival of the Sun, which marked the end of the summer was known as "Halloween."
TBD: The QuizQueen really hope you answered "C" here.

5. What is the purpose of a family member of a witch?
A. Hey, everyone needs to have a friend, even Broomhilda.
B. The straw man sent off for luring innocent victims in his den.
C. An animal, like a black cat, that amplifies her power.
D. Every witch is required to have a black cat, according to the code congregation, which has become tradition to see the "black cat family alongside a witch.

5. What is the purpose of a family member of a witch?
C. An animal, like a black cat, that amplifies her power.
TBD: While "A" may be true, this is the real answer.

6. Lycanthropy is a term derived from the greek. What does this mean?
A. A state psychiatric hospital where the patient believes he or she is a wolf.
B. A person with a deadly fear of wearing Lycra (which is used to create some Halloween costumes).
C. A devotee of Lycos, the Roman god whose feast was originally held on Halloween.
D. An inductee of the cult of Zeus which held an annual meeting on the mountain. Lycaeus.

6. Lycanthropy is a term derived from the greek. What does this mean?
A. A state psychiatric hospital where the patient believes he or she is a wolf.
TBD: The QuizQueen has always wondered what they call someone with a mortal fear of Lycra ...

7. How did the "jack-o-lantern" get that name?
A. An old man named Jack who was too mean even to enter into an inferno. The devil gave him a piece of burning coal and sent him away. Jack used a turnip to hold the hot coals and serve as a lantern.
favorite dish B. The Devil is pumpkin pie and a clever man named Jack carved pumpkins in all cities in lanterns to drive away the devil with a blaze of bright light and, of course, deprive him of his deal.
C. In ancient times, when children went trick-or-treat, were led by a man carrying a lantern. The guide was called "Jack."
D. The man who first cultivated the potato and carved into a lantern was named Jack.

7. How did the "jack-o-lantern" get that name?
A. A mean old man named Jack who was too mean even to enter into an inferno. The devil gave him a piece of burning coal and sent him away. Jack used a turnip to hold the hot coals and serve as a lantern.
TBD: It would deduct points if you guessed one of the creative responses QuizQueen's!

8. You can choose the old name of Halloween?
A. All Hallow's Eve
B. All Hallow's Day
C. All Hallowmass
D. All Soul's Day

8. You can choose the old name of Halloween?
A. All Hallow's Eve
TBD: The important thing to remember is that was the night before!

9. The word warlock is a derivation of the Saxon-English term "war Loek", which means what?
A. The man with magic hands
B. Oath breaker
s C. Witch 'husband
D. Doomed one

9. The word warlock is a derivation of the Saxon-English term "war Loek", which means what?
B. Oath breaker.
TBD: Did you sing with "A"?

10. The Celtics would bring a lantern when they walked on the eve of October 31. These first "jack-o-lanterns" were carved with faces to scare evil spirits away. What vegetable was originally used to make a "jack-o-lantern?"
A. Turnip
B. potato
C. Pumpkin
D. Watermelon

10. The Celtics would bring a lantern when they walked on the eve of October 31. These first "jack-o-lanterns" were carved with faces to scare evil spirits away. What vegetable was originally used to make a "jack-o-lantern?"
A. Turnip
TBD: Sometimes you do not even need to configure the joke.

Birds of a Feather

1. That is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. flying
C. Volery
D. Swarm

D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called birds swarm, but no!

2. Which of these is the fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia

C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was near, that is the fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!

3. bird is a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
Hobbies C.
D. Kestrel

B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian and African birds of the genus Francolinus, related and similar to quails and partridges, which really are the chosen victims of predators!

4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. Murder
B. A clutch
C. A disorder
D. A Sleuth

A. Murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a bunch of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.

5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu

C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know that are omnivorous, eating grass, leaves, small animals and all can pursue?

6. The family of birds Trochildae parties that stretch?
R. Are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. These birds of prey
D. Bird feathers are

R. Are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbirds.

7. Is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Embers
B. Flock
C. Hank
D. Team

C. Hank
TBD: Actually, it was rather difficult, as you can have a skein of geese ...

8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three

D. Three
TBD: They have a top cover similar to that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, which range across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This cover is a thin fold of skin that moistens and cleans the Translucent eye and protects it from wind and light.

9. Seabirds are long models migration. How long can obtain these trips?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5000 miles
D. 1000 miles

A. 20,000 miles
TBD: It 's beyond many humans travel in their lives!

10. Can you guess how many known species of birds are there?
A. 100
B. 1000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000

C. 10,000
TBD: includes all modern or recent loss of species.

To go fishing Trivia

1. We all know that fish travel in schools, but you know some other names fisheye plural?
A. clutch
B. Shoal
C. Draft
D. Wave
E. All previous
F. None of the above
G. B and C

G. B and C
TBD: It should have been aired, however, is not it?

2. Can you name the phobia that means fear of fish?
A. Ichthyophobia
B. Limnophobia
C. Entomophobia
D. Pantophobia

A. Ichthyophobia
TBD: If you suffer from fear of lakes limnophobia, insects entomophobia you, and all his pantophobia.

3. How fish hear?
A. Not
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skulls
C. Through their gills
D. Through their fins

B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skulls
TBD: Fish listen without the aid of external ears. Sound vibrations reverberate through the bones of the skull to the inner ear. Fish also possess unique sensory organs called lateral lines. These channels along the sides of the fish can feel vibrations and, in some species, weak electric fields.

4. What do you call a baby fish?
A. A guppy
B. A frying
C. A fish
D. A baby fish

B. A frying
TBD: We assume that, where the words "small fish" came from!

5. How icefish Anarctic survive in freezing water?
antifreeze chemicals A. Special blood
B. additional layers of fat that earned them the nickname "Puffy Fish"
C. high and constant motion to keep the blood circulating
D. There is no type of fish

antifreeze chemicals A. Special blood
TBD: we thought this was a composite response if we had not studied them ourselves!

6. How much hot water can catch fish?
A. Pot boilers in Ecuador survive in hot springs is approaching 200 degrees Fahrenheit
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures above 100 degrees Fahrenheit
C. Some freshwater fish can take temperatures up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit without difficulty
D. Something more than 60 degrees Fahrenheit causes distress

B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures above 100 degrees Fahrenheit
TBD: We can not live in these springs without cooking!

7. How high can a flying fish fly?
A. 6 feet
B. 36 feet
C. 60 feet
D. 360 meters

B. 36 feet
TBD: Their conduct may consist of several slides, which repeatedly return to the surface long enough to renew their power propulsion. They rise to a maximum of about 36 feet in the air and glide up to 200 meters.

8. Just as a fish can swim faster?
A. Never more than 40 mph
B. Just 50 mph
C. Approximately 60 mph
D. Over 70 mph

D. Over 70 mph
TBD: The fish are swimming faster than billfish and tuna. One billfish, the sailfish, can swim in bursts of speed over 70 mph.

9. Known as one of the fastest fish, tunas are also built for strength over long distances. To what extent the migration of tuna?
A. 7700 miles
B. 770 miles
C. 77 miles
D. 7 miles

A. 7700 miles
TBD: Swimming as fast as 30 mph, migrate up to 7,700 miles in just four months.

10. What are the biggest fish?
A. Whales
B. Whale Sharks
C. great white sharks
D. Leviathans

B. Whale Sharks
TBD: Whale sharks can reach 40 feet in length. Yes, whales are larger, but not fish. Fish are cold-blooded and breathe underwater with gills, whales, on the other hand, maintain a constant body temperature warm.

Just Riding Around

1. What is the fear of horses called?
A. Hippophobia
B. Riddiophobia
C. Sadlophobia
D. Equiphobia

A. Hippophobia
TBD: Hey, you know it dosn't do this stuff, right?!?

2. That is not a form of horse racing?
A. Flat Racing
B. Harness Racing
C. Steeplechasing
D. Hop-scotching

D. Hop-scotching
TBD: Did you know that horse racing may be the oldest sport? By the time the man began to record the story was already well established. This means that making the book may well be the oldest profession?

3. That is not a breed of American saddle horses?
A. Tennessee Walker
B. Morgan
C. Quarter Horse
D. Kentucky Sprinter

D. Kentucky Sprinter
TBD: Even though, could be an unofficial breed!

4. Single point of the horse on each of its four feet is its most marked anatomical characteristic and makes a finger-hoofed or Perissodactyla odd. The horse shares this characteristic with which other animal?
A. Rhinoceros
B. tapir
C. Elephant
D. Cow
E. A and B
F. C and D

E. A and B
TBD: Very curious, indeed.

5. What is NOT one of the three classic American races that make up the Triple Crown?
R. Bets Bluegrass
B. The Belmont Stakes
C. The Preakness Stakes
D. Kentucky Derby

R. Bets Bluegrass
TBD: Even though we live in Kentucky, we participated in the Kentucky Derby, but we were at the Bluegrass Stakes (which is a precursor to the Derby) and I won money!

6. As horses were introduced to the Americas?
A. Were brought by Spanish conquerors and explorers in the 16th century.
B. Have crossed the land bridge with primitive man.
C. They were always there.
D. Leif Eriksson and his Viking crew led them.

A. Were brought by Spanish conquerors and explorers in the 16th century.
TBD: Apparently some sort of horse developed in America but became extinct, perhaps due to illness, so there was no native horse.

7. It is one of these is not a breed of draft horse?
A. Belgian heavy draft horse
B. English shire
C. Clydesdale
D. Percheron
E. This is a project of all the horses!

E. This is a project of all the horses!
TBD: first as a visual knowledge of horses, the Clydesdale QuizQueen is partial to.

8. The Roman emperor Caligula is famous for many things, but he was also passionate about horses, so maybe it was not bad. What I want to do once for his favorite horse, Incitatus?
A. his name his wife.
B. He named his successor as emperor.
C. appoint him consul of Rome.
D. None of the above, actually ate horse roast for dinner every night.

C. appoint him consul of Rome.
TBD: As if we needed more proof of what a person who was very strange.

9. The moons of Mars are named for the horses that drew the mythical chariot of Mars, the god of war. Can you name them?
A. There was only one horse, Pegasus.
B. Phobos and Deimos
C. Logos, Pathos and Ethos
D. Alpha, Beta, Sigma and Theta.

B. Phobos and Deimos
TBD: Hey, that was difficult, but you had a shot if I knew astrology be your or your Greek mythology, right?

10. One of the most famous horses in history of television is Mr. Ed Is not that an actual Mr. Ed?
A. Its original name was Bamboo Harvester.
B. He lived for 30 years and died February 28, 1979.
C. It 'was raised by a parade and horse show.
D. It 'was the original Roy Roger's shoulder, before Trigger.

D. It 'was the original Roy Roger's shoulder, before Trigger.
TBD: It 'was still owned by the president of the California Palomino Society.

11. What was the first man's relationship with horses?
A. Dinner: man hunt horse.
B. Dinner: Former horse carnivore hunted man.
C. Getting there: The man used the horse for hauling and transporting himself and his property.
D. Security: The first horse helped guard for danger.

A. Dinner: man hunt horse.
TBD: Although, from a Bronze Age man was using domesticated the horse, the first stone age the relationship was strictly food chain.

12. How many horses have been Triple Crown winners?
A. 11
B. 21
C. 31
D. 13

A. 11
TBD: They are Sir Barton, Gallant Fox, Omaha, War Admiral, Whirlaway, Count Fleet, Assault, Citation, Secretariat, Seattle Slew and said. The last was in 1978.

Exclusive interview with Santa Claus

Over the past two months I wrote a Christmas story. This is Santa Claus and the remarkable sequence of events that occurred a young girl who lives on the edge of the rainforest in Palawan, a tropical island where I live.

Obviously, for this apparently far fetched story, it was important to verify the facts. This was easy to do here in Palawan, but how could I interview someone as famous as Santa Claus, who lived far away, in a land where I would freeze to death just off the airplane?

Well, it turned out to be easier than I thought, and we met, believe it or not, next to a big fireworks show in southern England, November 5, 2005. As I arrived and how he got there, I am not allowed to say. In fact, I can not say, simply because I do not know for sure. I can only speculate. My passport shows that I was here, my wife tells me that I was here, I tell myself that I was here. But I was there, and this is what I can tell from the notes I took during the interview. There was a lot more, but are sworn to secrecy, and Santa has these incredible powers, I would not go against his will.

These are the 3 questions and answers, I am authorized to reveal.

Q1 There is much speculation among historians about your origins. Can you tell us to put this right once and for all?

(Laughter from Santa) "People should ask are historical past. They can only look back. What a life they lead dumb can never find the truth that way. Life is multi-dimensional, time is multidimensional. What do historians and scientists know all this? The truth is like the sun in all its rotation around the planets. If you look back, you lose the entire spectrum, and you miss the sun itself.

"What are my roots?" My man, you're just a simple soul, like everyone else on the planet, so I know it means 'when and where I come'. I have a birthday, indeed, have many birthdays, and all are true. But for your little narrow world, I was born in 701 AD.

"But," I said, "all historians ... ...." His look told me to be quiet about history. What seemed like a good idea, since they have got everything completely wrong.

Santa was a man tolerant and kind, despite its enormous power. "And, young man" (I was not called that for a long time), he said. "You will not believe where I was born. It was not the North Pole, even if I go there often. It was not the Lapland, where I now live. It 'was in Central Africa."

I was stunned, he just laughed at me. I moved quickly.

Q2 I wonder, Santa Claus, how do you go around the world so every Christmas gifts, which supplies many millions of children? In less than two days. Not quite .. "

Before I could finish, he put his hand on my arm to stop me.

"Of course you can. Do you think you can not because your" scientists "do not tell, really. Only the truth matters. It is possible, why I do it every year. She says" not possible "because of the way you everyone to see things close and blind. Even my reindeer blinkered scientists know more than your silly, so you can not forget. I do it, and the young man, "(I was really beginning to like this guy), he continued, "I love every moment of it."

"... But ...?" I was going to ask, but he stopped me again with a steady hand.

"Okay," she said softly. "I just want to tell you. In the eighth century was exploring brain waves, your scientists have not even a hint on the brain, how it works, brain waves and what it means and how you can use. I have discovered great things, things all scientists have been too restrictive in the past to find, understand and use. "

I was in his magic, listening carefully to every word. He was about to reveal ....

"Have you heard of Quantum Theory Chimney Descent? No, certainly not. By 820 AD, had it all worked out, a year after I discovered corridors Time. Know the corridors of time? No, certainly not, but I tell you young that was what he did, that was what allowed me to deliver gifts on Christmas around the world.

"I then developed the Time Corridor plot Theory. For the next 30 years I have begun to implement both, and then combine them. That my friend is how to go around the world and thus deliver gifts: exploiting the Quantum Theory Chimney Descent unison with time Hall plot.

"Now do you understand?" He asked.

Well, who was I to argue, I might sound like a historian or scientist? So that was, I had the answers to the biggest question of all Santa Claus. I had no idea what he was talking, but I'm sure he anticipated.

We went to final demand as fireworks reached its climax.

Q3 What happens to all the mince pies and glasses of sherry that millions of children leave out for you?

Santa laughed again: "Oh, all the things that people leave out for me, those kids are so sweet." But you know, their parents would tell them the truth, not to deceive. And 'their parents who drink the sherry and other alcoholic beverages. It 's just their excuse. I do not drink the stuff, ever done.

"But the mince pies, yes, I love a good mince pie. Children are so considerate by leaving me, and eat as many as I can in Australia. But more than one million?" I must tell you, those mince pies get scattered all kinds of places. The creatures of the oceans and forests are very experienced on the mince pies now. But last year the first ....."

Santa saw my change of expression.

"Aaah, we can not say what happened that year, can we? E 'in your history. Do not ruin your story."

A moment later I awoke in my bed many thousands of miles away near the Sulu Sea. My wife was beside me, and strange to say, I was beside her. When I went to my room on a computer later, I found my notebook. And what you read above is what was written in it.

I really did like Santa Claus 'young' really.

This Christmas Santa Claus article was written by Roy Thomsitt, author website owner gifts for Christmas.

Roy is also owner and author of the website Christmas ornament.

Relax for the festive season with new history by Roy Christmas for adults and children.

Simply Bad Life Tips

Do not you ever wonder why I get out of bed today? And 'this all there is to life? And where the hack I left my car keys?

Do not despair, it's not too late to go back to your life! Well, unless you are really old (like 30), in which case I suggest alcohol. If you're still a useful member of society (under 30), I gathered some life tips that will undoubtedly change your life in a profound and deep, you will not even notice!

So with all that said and down, now is the time to sit down, lean back, open your mind, scratching his belly, cluck like a chicken and read this pearls of wisdom:

1. Every morning smile to your mirror, but why stop there? Smile to your kitchen table to your living room sofa and to your iron. Anyway, do not smile for the dishwasher can take it as provocation.

2. Always put your smile on. People will understand that I am a fool and not mess with you.

3. Be kind to others, send me money.

4. Live each day as if it were your last.Crawl in a corner and cry.

5. I live each day to the fullest. When you go to the bathroom take a newspaper!

6. Drinking is not a solution, unless we are talking about alcohol.

7.Better to give than to receive (true only in case of infections).

8. Clothes do not make the Monaco, but you will be naked arrested.

9. Do not put all your eggs in one basket, then put all in the fridge will last longer.

10. Remember everyone makes mistakes, and you can laugh at them.

11. Always follow your dreams, just be sure to check that Pamela Anderson is also on board.

12. Give a man a fish and he might take the wrong path ...

13. Honesty is the best policy, at least that what Pamela always told me.

14. Time is money. Stop reading stupid articles!

A favorite Lawyers Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: It has an extreme desire of nonsense.

Q: What is the legal definition of "appeal"?

A: Something a person slips on a grocery store.

Q: Why did God snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a meeting of lawyers?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: While it has one, the other side should get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A bid can not understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Have you heard who has just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half the things Ken and maintenance.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Look at the unit lawyer from a cliff in the new Ferrari.

Q: What is the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they are boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Do not worry. You shall not go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he had not a penny.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, asked: "Why are all the blinds closed?" The nurse said: "There's a fire down the road, and did not want you to think I was dead."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and resolve their differences once for all. Satan heard this, he laughed and said: "Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at his desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential customer picks up the phone as the door opens and says: "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office said: "I am here to connect the phone."

And finally:

It could be a lawyer if .... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

The Twelve Days of Spyware

The Twelve Days of Spyware

The first day of Spyware,
Sender sent me a forger
SoBig a virus in an e-mail.

The second day of Spyware,
a phisher sent me
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

The third day of Spyware,
Webforce sent to me
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

On the fourth day of Spyware,
A hijacker sent me home
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

On the fifth day of Spyware,
Advertising software sent me
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

The sixth day of Spyware,
A hacker sent to me
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

The seventh day of Spyware,
A thief left me Dialer
A huge phone bill,
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

On the eighth day of Spyware,
A free download sent to me
A program that stole my lil chat log
A huge phone bill,
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

The ninth day of Spyware,
A Drive By Downloads sent to me
Xupiter, oh joy,
A program that stole my lil chat log
A huge phone bill,
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

The tenth day of Spyware,
Grokster sent to me
Gator, oh no,
Xupiter, oh joy,
A program that stole my lil chat log
A huge phone bill,
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

The eleventh day of Spyware,
DoubleClick sent me
Lots of Cookies Ad
Gator, oh no,
Xupiter, oh joy,
A program that stole my lil chat log
A huge phone bill,
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And a virus SoBig in an e-mail.

On the twelfth day of Spyware,
Malware sent to me
A computer unbootable,
Lots of Cookies Ad
Gator, oh no,
Xupiter, oh joy,
A program that stole my lil chat log
A huge phone bill,
A keylogger, which stole my identity
One hundred annoying Popups,
A Homepage of Sleeze,
A bank unauthorized charge,
An e-mail scam Nigeria
And SoBig a virus in an e-mail!

Stay Safe Online and Happy Holidays to you and yours.

Need a hobby?

A man needs a hobby.

Believe that I am not in the round. I rarely take a vacation (never, come to think of it), and not spend a lot of time in church, although I do not consider myself a pagan.

All I do is work to pay a bill, and are about 48 hours before the rest of my bills.

Based on this, I recently concluded that much of life is useless.

I need a hobby.

I need a hobby, something beyond the simple desire for more sex. That brings up an interesting point. Why is that sex is not considered a hobby? Maybe because you do not use glue or epoxy, as in making a model airplane.

Then again, maybe you do.

In any case, I'm trying to find a hobby, something that I can relax and find personal enrichment.

Here are some possibilities that I have actually implemented, or were actively mulling over:

Like most suburbanites, I live near close enough to other houses. The elderly lady in the house in front of me looks at my window in the room much. We have all seen the people watching. Maybe it's just boredom. But I came to the conclusion ... She looks at me for some reason.

There can be only one possibility.

She looks at me dressed. And undress.

After a week of this, I decided to make its monetary value.

Now do two shows, and one in the morning ... .. my window. My dressing and undressing shows.

I go into a slow dance routine, and my huge decline, strong muscles jungle. I recently purchased a bow tie like the kind used by Chippendale dancers, and wearing an old high school jock strap EP.

I'm thinking of adding a strobe light to expand the act.

This is a hobby that is better than gin rummy.

And you people happy.

Another potential hobby involves the clever use of empty rolls of toilet paper, you know, those little cardboard cylinders once the toilet paper is consumed. I have long been fascinated by them.

Here is a potential clean hobby.

Take two cylinders and reveal them. Will still curl. You can then put them on the wrists like bracelets. These can be worn while making love to your wife or significant other's lover.

She portrays it as a kind of legendary fantasy hero like Ben Hur, or Heracles.

He used men to wear bracelets that time. Really, no joke! Back in the real old ancient times, when they used to, "kill" boys.

Or, if you are out in space for you, you can take 25 of these cylinders, glue them side by side, and wear them as a sort of futuristic space-belt as in Star Trek.

It gives your partner the opportunity to rip the belt off easily just before she throws you on the "beam me up the machine and crazy, passionate love to you.

If you're fat, you may need fifty rolls of toilet paper.

We can all be a bit 'more creative these days in the cold waiting for the warmer climate, and the definition of a hobby that is not only rewarding, but is involved and has raised us.

© Copyright 2004

Political Humor: Are You A Dittohead?

Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic beverages. Yet millions of dittoheads across the plain fruity lacked a guide for making the best of adult beverages. So I created the Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of recipes dittohead humorous as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir Club G'itmo Guzzler, and many more!

Just try these great recipes:

DEAD WHITE GUY ginger ale

Glass: a clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (from dead white conquistadors)

Ingredients:

Vodka 1 Part (an ingredient colorless white symbolizes oppression European Union)
3 shares Ginger Ale (containing bloodthirsty, intolerant, sugar white supremacy)
A splash of white wine (reminiscent of the French Napoleonic imperialism)
A squeeze of lemon-lime juice (made from fruit hand-picked by slaves)
A pinch of sugar (for security reasons, did not allow sugar cane)

Instructions: In a university seminar on multiculturalism, with particular attention to Native Americans, Afro-centric poetry lesbian, combine ingredients in a bowl of clay stolen from Native Americans. Eat Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the courage to keep breathing.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus - a capitalist bigot European responsible for the death and murder of 80 trillion pacifist, nature-loving Native Americans (and a man whose only accomplishment was the "discovery" of someone else's yard).

SPECIAL WARNING: Under no circumstances add brown sugar to this drink adult, as is sure to be devastated and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in ginger ale.

AMBROSIA Affirmative Action

Glass: a measure (to ensure the accurate implementation of quotas)

Ingredients:

0 Parts Light Rum (using light rum rum is insensitive to minorities)
Dark Rum 3 shares (to correct past injustices rampant preferences clear rum)
3 shares Soda (Cola is a favorite drink to lighter, as Sprite)
The shares that are not "quotas" (unless they really are quotas)

Instructions: While throwing an 'affirmative action bake sale "at a local college campus, or fields (EIB plural form preferred for those of you in Rio Linda), combine ingredients in a measuring cup. Eat while labeling as "racist" one of your friends or colleagues who have the courage to add light rum for their favorite adult beverages.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of government sanctioned discrimination. Make sure you do not add light rum to this adult beverage when the dark rum is available. Otherwise it could cause the formation of sensitivity court sentenced him.

Special Note: A firm supporter of government sanctioned discrimination, NAALCP (National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored People) dreams of the day will be re-imposed prohibition in America - with only "light rum" banished from the shores of the United States .

PS Forward this page to Rush Limbaugh 15,067 fans over the next seven minutes or you will be hit with eight agonizing years of a Hillary Clinton presidency and / or the appointment of Ted "The Swimmer" Kennedy as designated driver!

Lizard Induced Schoolgirl Screams

I just want to clarify one thing before proceeding. In general I am a person fond of animals. If a dog comes to my house and does a number on the fence, well no problem. Squirrels gather near the gate and perform acts of a sexual nature, no big deal. But one thing that you ... And 'lunge in the general direction of my head from above with the intention to kill.

This is exactly what a lizard tried last night. Luckily I managed to dive in slow-mo, of course, out of its way just in time. The beast has not been able to get a grip of strangulation on the neck rather delicate and just bumped against my shoulder and fell on the floor.

After my exposure of alertness in the form of a cool matrix style dodge I thought it was all over, that I was safe. I thought the lizard would be too impressed, intimidated by my ability to elite and would begin to fear me. Boy was I wrong. This monster was not common lizard. It 'been completely out of his mind. A true fighter!

After a rough landing on the floor of my kitchen the lizard ran toward me, rather than away from me! Perhaps this was a selfish lizard and was not prepared to lose his pride. He ran with such a threatening look in his eyes and at a pace that made me think for a millisecond that I deal with something that is much stronger than me. The feeling of helplessness and panic ran through me. I started scanning the place for a weapon, a chair ... a spoon, anything! But all I found the air around me was hot and humid summer. At this point I basically knew all was lost. I did what all sane people do when they are against a ruthless killer. A killer who does not know the meaning of the word "compassion", "compassion" and "love", I came across. I jumped up on the beast and ran toward the exit.

I did not dare look over my shoulder because I knew what I was following the death! I ran at full speed toward the door of my bedroom. Panting, shaking and crying while I had to keep the legs moving. Oh, why not take my advice and Dad join a gym.

When you are in such a situation as I was, when you're the one being chased by a predator, such as cheese as this sounds ... time seems to slow down, the senses become sharper. Now I really know what "eternity", it means that is exactly what I seemed to have spent time before I saw the warm light of my room, the rays danced on my body tired and broken bringing hope, the hope of survival. I plunged into the light, pushing the bedroom door behind me with full force. * BANG *

Ahh the sweet sound when you lock the timber in wood. I knew I was out of harms way, finally. I did the next one when all men know that he escaped certain death. I fell on my knees and thanked God and then I changed my underwear.

Get Outta Here!

We have all heard the phrase, "no man is an island."

Well, baby, I am an island.

Are the closest thing to it.

I am a rock.

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

Shielded in my armor. I have my poetry to protect me.

I touch no one and no one touches me!

I think maybe it's time that I count the average number of times a day every day I say loudly and angrily to myself: "Get out of here!"

I drive to work on Monday, and a guy who should produce his car pulls in front of me.

Get Outta Here!

Shot in a parking lot and parking just to the left, someone is there to talk to someone else.

Get Outta Here!

My neighbor, I scorn nicknamed "Dutch Boy"

He is an immigrant from Finland who speaks with an accent. Everything is walking his dog in front of my yard, laying off my dog barking. Dutch guy is retired and no value, so does no more than walking his dog, but only in front of my yard.

Get Outta Here!

My other neighbor, I nicknamed "Candy" (I have nicknames for all my neighbors) was told by his doctor to walk every day. Wearing a jogging suit with a little elf-like hat on his head and walking back and forth ... .. in front of my yard.

Get Outta Here!

Another neighbor, Justin the yuppie, is always on the phone, and once complained about the noise my dog barks, but does a lot of noise himself, always screaming at her child, "Antonio!"

His wife fertile (they have eight children) is twice as tall as him.

Puts red cones in the street, so his children can play there (do not have a yard) ... ... as if that makes it legal to block traffic.

When I try to pull up in my driveway, yelling, "Anthony! Attention to the car!"

Get Outta Here!

The drive on the track for jogging so it can alleviate the strain my doctor told me I was placing on my liver from alcohol consumption. There is a lady walking across the road.

Get Outta Here!

I am jogging around the track and a man on a bike that has just received for Christmas is riding around the track in the opposite direction with a dog increased slightly along puppy. Every time I run with the dog, who want to play, pass between the legs, almost tripping me. The first time I ignored. But it happens the second and the third time we pass each other.

The boy on the bike does nothing to stop the dog not to giggle and say, "Hector, stop this."

Get Outta Here!

This time I cry.

I stand in a line supermarket trying to buy a pack of simple rubber and the old lady (I called her immediately Gravel Gertie) and fill out a check for her purchase, taking so much time she could be writing War and Peace.

I mumble angrily.

Get Outta Here!

En route home, a car in front is moving too slowly, as the boy is looking at individual homes.

Get Outta Here!

Leaving the car, suddenly I hear a mysterious chest pain. I panic. Nobody is around. What is this pain?

Maybe I should call for help.

Maybe I'm not an island.

A Curious Contraception

It 'was just the other day I learned that the first recorded use of contraception was in 2000 BC by the Egyptians. I can not say because I learned the fact, as I can not understand why I do not know the words to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" twenty years after his release. These things enter the brain and stick like chewing gum in a sock there to annoy one for all time. But try to remember to take the cake from the oven or out to take his sunglasses off the pharmacy counter is not a ... hope in hell.

It was not the fact that the Egyptians used contraceptives that turned my head, intelligent people for a man those Egyptians. No, it was that used by the staff he has done.

Crocodile dung.

At this point the learning curve the mind goes into overdrive. Who first discovered that crocodile dung made a good contraceptive. And how they use it?

"Hey Cleo, that bloody crocodile has crapped in our bed. Hmmm I wonder ....".

The importance of dung as a contraceptive was not lost on either the Aztecs. It is a little known fact that Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name means

"Plenty of excrement." Naming the poor, unfortunate child in this way obviously served as a useful reminder for the father Cuitlahac of lard on the crocodile dung in future meetings.

The gathering of crocodile dung must have been quite an adventure. There's a good chance that crocodile dung was not available over the counter at Boots in tablet form, nor was it a question of nipping into the toilets of pubs and buy it in packs of three from a machine.

"You get them Tut?"

"Yer.

"Hope you have flavored ones. What did you taste?"

"Crocodile".

Images of rampant young Egyptian swim through the mind, feverishly searching the banks of the Nile their loincloths outrageously tents by their ardor. "This crock, crock." Imaging panic if the young man should actually find the crocodile and then realizes that, like all animals, crocodiles go to the bathroom after eating. Perhaps it was this thought alone that served as a contraceptive.

"Not now Nephatiti I have a headache."

Randy must have crossed young minds that perhaps it was not just crocodile dung, which would serve as a contraceptive. Many experiments with other types of dung must have taken place.

"What a beautiful family you have."

"Yes, this is our greatest 'Elephant crap is useless' and here we have the twins' Never use camel' and 'that bloody camel dung is rubbish'. And this is just our youngest, 'Hey-ho, back to the crocodile shit '. "

It must be said that the whole notion of using crocodile dung is so fraught with improbability that I suspect that it was a ruse put on by Egyptian father to deter young courtiers. My suspicion is that the fathers would only grant permission for young boys to take their daughters with the condition who had a piece of crocodile dung in the portfolio where you overwhelmed by passion. So warned the young people would wade out into the river or to become crocodile crap themselves or to be aware that crocodiles only do their bathroom after eating. In both cases the young would not be further disturbed young man who would simply take you downtown to find a young woman whose father was or was not attentive or had not heard that about the crocodile dung.

Today, of course, ardent young people should not suffer the wrath of their counterparts in ancient Egypt. All it takes these days is to slip into the toilet at the local pub and feed the machine thin wall a couple of pound coins. Of course, the draw will not be able to browse and no amount of turning the knob will cause the packet to drop. Kicking and banging the machine is not an option as this will only serve to draw attention to themselves. The result is the same. Neither ancient Egypt, nor the modern young man was able to obtain contraception needed. And if the lady in question is reasonable, this means that neither the young man is coming his way proverbial.

Curb the disturbing the peace (part 2)

Yes, it is the pillar of society that has been with us since that slippery dude threw humanity for a curve in the Garden of Eden - that cornerstone of society has been automated.

Pests no longer be around to restaurants and train stations and villages loud singing and playing their harpsichords. Now we have machines to do this for us - the machines as television and radio and elevator muzak and Mustangs backfires.

In the old days, you can just throw a brick in a public nuisance, and usually confined to two minutes - five if the brick hit the mark.

But it's hard to throw a brick at a television, as owners of bars bloodthirsty send lawyers after you, something that the public knew nothing old-fashioned inconvenience. And how do you throw a brick at the shadowy creature production Muzak elevator?

So it was inevitable that some guy named Mitch Altman would have invented a way to neutralize those high-tech high-tech public disturbances. It 's a key infrared called TV-B-Gone that turns off TVs remotely intrusive.

"Hey I was watching that show," calls the six-foot-four, burly guy at the bar. "Who has zapped my show unzap five seconds of it., Or I get off this stool." Oh well. I suppose there are still some technical adjustments to tinker with.

But I thought, "Hey. I could invent something useful like that. I could invent a brick high-tech to close the high-tech public disturbance for at least five minutes." So I did.

First, I started to beat Muzak. I invented a device called Automated Elevator Hostage Taker. I was so excited, I decided to take it for a test drive. I found a very tall building and went straight to the elevator.

Halfway, I activated my Automated Elevator Hostage Taker. "Aha!" I called out. "We have your elevator hostage. If you shut off the muzak, we release it unharmed."

The other passengers looked at me as if I had a purple horn growing out of one ear.

"I said, turn off the muzak and your lift will not be harmed."

One of the passengers were starting to get interested. "What the * $ &% you think you're doing?"

I was positively giddy that my traveling companions were so eager to participate. One of them even wanted to get my hands on my Automated Elevator Hostage Taker, but for reasons of public safety could not leave inexperienced hands, until he was fully tested in the laboratory and field.

"How did your test drive go?" my wife asked.

I watched from my hospital bed. "I think the next prototype will have life insurance.

Fortunately, I got another invention as soon as I recovered. I call it the exhaust pipe plug-in. Cars emit more smoke smell horrible. No. Wait. Take That back. Cars emit the second most horrible smoke smell. diesel buses emit more smoke smell horrible.

But those days will soon be over, people arm themselves with their own tailpipe plug-in.

"How?" my wife asked.

"So glad he asked. It uses Spidey.

"Spidey technology?" looked puzzled.

"Exactly. You know, like Spiderman. We say that a bus is a few meters and threatens to erupt out black smelly yucky stuff. You just hit on the wrist like this ..."

SPLat! BANG! CRASH!

"Oops."

"You knocked my lamp and broke premium. And what is this ugly goop splattered all over the carpet and the wall? Ugh. Get it off, my wife asked.

"I can not."

"What do you mean, you can not?" she raged.

'It is like the expanding foam insulation. No. Wait.' As very fast-curing expanding foam insulation.

"Well, what do you think?" my wife wanted to know.

"I think I'll put on a warning label - do not use at home."

Once back in my hospital bed, I realized I had not given the correct answer.

I still had many inventions left in me. As the automatic parking No Sign-Dissolver. And Perfumalizer, practical for use in crowded buses where people hold on bars and placed over their heads. And I can not wait to invent the Escalator Fast-forward button.

But for now, are too distracted by the television series very strong my hospital roommate are watching. I sure could use Mitch TV-B-Gone right about now.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Curb the disturbing the peace (part 1)

It 'was the dawn of humanity. His profession is even older than the world's oldest profession. It 'been hated and reviled by politicians, bureaucrats and sellers of hot dogs.

I'm talking, of course, disturbing the peace.

That guy was slippery in the garden of Eden, taunting people to steal. "Go away. Take a bite of the apple. The grocer will never know who is misssssing.

Even in caveman days, the public nuisance was the one who would always joke to play on someone. "Hee, hee. Thag not watch. I'm going to paint her green fire that resembled Bush. He will not be able to find the fire. Hee, hee. OUCH! Ooh. Ooh. Yowwww. It's so hot!"

He is the arrogant braggart who can not keep his mouth shut. "I told Caesar the Coliseum should be built on the west side of town. 'Caesar,' I said. 'The Coliseum should be built on the west side of town.' But he did listen to me? No-o. He built the Colosseum on the west side of town? "No-o."

"So ... which is why lions are drooling beyond that door?"

"Ah ... well, yes, actually."

The public nuisance is that whiner who can not stop complaining about the weather. "Oh, c'mon Leonardo. Why not invent something useful for change and how a better time."

"What's wrong with time?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! It's too cold when I want it too hot. It's too hot when you want it to be too cold. Raining when I work in the fields. Gets dry when the crops need rain . And you saw how the wind blew the other night ... "

Law and order has been with us through the centuries, music too loud in public places.

"What's that noise?"

"I think some guys are playing their lutes a bit 'strong'.

'Well as a middle-aged woman should get any sleep around here? "

"But what can I do?"

"You're a knight, for charity. Get your horse and your spear and run down."

But like all things good, even the public nuisance has been transformed by technological advances. We can no longer rely on manual labor to provide public services for the public nuisance. Machines to provide all the disturbances that could be desired.

Automation of disturbing the peace was inevitable. As the city expanded, it is increasingly difficult for the public nuisance to be everywhere at once and provide adequate disturbance to the whole population.

It 'was also very inefficient to have individual public disturbances repeating the same operations in any part of town.

And then there was the issue of quality control. Who would ensure that all public nuisances have been serving the community with the same standards? Who could provide the reliability and integrity? Some public disturbances have been known to take bribes.

"Hey. You. What's that smell?"

"I'm just a couple of cracked eggs to throw at your house."

"Why my house? What have I done?"

"Nothing. But you have a fancy house and I thought it would be more willing to give me an incentive to throw them somewhere else."

"What! This is extortion!"

"Yes."

"I see. Well, Smithers along the road has been too arrogant this week, so here's a little something to get annoyed by his audience tonight. "

"Thank you, sir. 'Was a pleasure disturbing you."

I was puzzled. I had no idea how to end this column. "Maybe the public nuisance should be a she," I thought

"Why her?" my wife asked.

"Why do people complain if I just believe my characters are" he. "The trouble is that every time you make" you ", someone wants to know why I'm picking on women."

"They do if the public nuisance a woman," my wife said.

"Are you saying that women are never nuisances?"

"Everyone knows that all you men cause public disorder," my wife poked me.

"This is why men are bored you women feel more clothes and more clothes and more clothes. We're just trying to keep things interesting"

"People have such short attention ..."

Suddenly I knew how to end the column: In our family, we do not need a public nuisance - automatically or manually. Everyone has private nuisance, we love very much.

"There is no way to end a column," insisted my private nuisance. "Why not tell them how you would get rid of harmful public once and for all?"

"Shhh. Do not tell them. This column next week."

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Fortune Cookie precise

I broke open the fortune cookie and read the note inside. Immediately I realized that was written by a meteorologist.

"You will be contacted in the late afternoon by a pink polka-dot octopus ..."

He continued, on the other side: "... and asked to provide details of your application for a permit mulching yellow cloud."

Two things struck me about this particular fortune. The first is that they have come a long way in their ability to predict exactly what will happen and when, just as the weather. This is undoubtedly due to recent technological developments. Laser technology, for example. Nano technology. Robotics. Bioengineering. And many other specialized fields have been developed for precision spot unimaginable just a generation makes.

It is not only the meteorologists.

In London, Ontario, specialists perform microscopic cardiac surgery on patients miles away using a robot named CSTAR (you can not simply wait for new parents to start their children's names after the famous surgeon, CSTAR?). This opened the door to many benefits, such as sending robots to remote locations without worrying about a surgeon replacing organs wrong because of jet lag.

But the real advantage was revealed when a surgeon confided in me: "You know the world is a better place when we do not have to scrub our hands before surgery anymore."

Can I call someone in North America on the phone and respond in real time. Not only is a better answer I can give people face-to-face, telephone cables but my call to the exact person I want, saving the other 400 million telephone subscribers, the inconvenience of having to say "Wrong number.. . again! "Only a few decades ago, Suzie manual switchboard and connecting them all.

"Janice Land? No problem. You connect." CLICK.

"No, wait. I wanted to speak with Janet Lam. Hello?"

My father can find the exact amount of sugar in the blood he packs in his veins. Not long ago, people could not care less what was in their blood sugar as long as they had plenty of it in their double fudge cups.

Yes, technology has come a long way, allowing us to send and receive very specific information in detail and in large volumes, thus exciting innovations of the 21st century as spam (I know, I know, the great innovators spam you most admire have done their heroic acts of the 20th century, but has not seen nothing yet!)

Despite the volume of information I received in my inbox, there is a very worrying for all of this free additional information, which brings me to the second thing that struck me on my message to Fortune Cookie.

It 'was wrong.

I waited all day for the pink polka-dot octopus to approach me, and never did. Just because modern technology can offer enormous volumes of detailed information to the laser, it makes that information valuable or even accurate.

Which brings me to the revelation that a meteorologist is now writing fortune cookies. Weather forecasts have become increasingly accurate. For example, I was told that today will be hail in the city just east of here and be alone in the city west of here.

Once upon a time, the forecast would be simply "Sun and hail should pass through the region." Less precise and less evil. Just as useless, though.

Maybe we should take CSTAR to make fortune cookies. CSTAR certainly would issue fortunes that are not only precise but also accurate, right? As bonus, the pastry should not stain your hands before cooking.

It should not have to wait for a pink polka-dot octopus all afternoon.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Day My Computer Died

I've always been a skeptic when it comes to technology, particularly computers and the Information Age. I used to think it was crazy how people would put their total faith into a machine, some even more than in their faith in humanity. Humans are imperfect, imperfect creatures. I say this in a positive way because if humanity were completely positive and perfect we would have nothing to learn, and life would lose its vitality and mystery. The computers come from the same universal reality as humanity, so I think we should look at technology in a similar context. Computers are not infallible pieces of nature's perfection.

I learned that computers are great tools for human society. May be functional in innumerable areas of everyday existence, helping to streamline many aspects of our lives. However, as today I discovered my computer had 'died' after lightning struck my house and subsequent power surge, the realization of a faith that is completed in our progressive technology is simply practical. I'm not saying that like the Luddites of the early industrialization, we must destroy this stuff, I'm just saying that we must realize that like all things in life, technology can and get sick and die on occasion. Working at an Internet company Web Hosting I have witnessed many of these diseases, and was very fortunate that human doctors''were found to perform surgery.

It 'a real break when something goes wrong, but these events are necessary in a space-time continuum that is constantly changing. Are you a spiritual person, you could say that there is only one thing in life to have unwavering faith in: Magical existence itself. You may be asking yourself now 'What is this guy talking about?' I think I'm just rationalizing the death of my newfound 'friend'. I'm reaching the point where I realized my irrational fears were unfounded and the elderly, as most fears generally are. However, I also wonder about those people out there who have more faith in computers humans. For example, I know a man who says he would rather fly in an airplane autopilot instead of the real thing. Human pilots can get drunk the night before and be depressed and hung over right? Whereas computers are completely rational, emotional and unable to participate in activities deemed by most as unpleasant.

The sad fact is that computers can break and die. Perhaps we need to find a middle ground where inorganic and organic intelligence work in tandem, so that if one half of the partnership fails, the other half can always compensate. Let me tell you I'm very sad right now, but hey 'Shit Happens'. I just hope that the 'shit' is not your plane landing in the ocean due to a computer that had too much vodka the night before.

"Butts luuuv ...!

To pinch and squeeze
I luuuv so your butt
They are like mallows overrippened
So soft to the touch.

I love to nip and see
These plump and fattened share
How padded silk cushions
I take the fun at heart.

Sometimes they invite me to bite
What appears as sinful Apple
Sometimes I feel my cheek
Those balls of velvet upholstery.

Now I bless the child, biggy butts
Yours are thingies I really luuv
Master no fart so loud
Rem'ber And in life there is more to have ...

.. . that have big butts!

Go Figure

I finished with my thoughts
I came up with no
I'm tired of playing a thoughtful philosopher of life
'I do not fully understand
I just want to cry and laugh and dance in joy.

I have read dozens of books and books
To get a grip on bad man
Yet no one has anywhere
I start to yawn
And dream of dark chocolate, bubble bath and water beds.

I tried to capture the hierarchy of power
And war stories
Enter the psyche of the most influential men
But my mind slips back to my adventure in the rain
Butt naked, barefoot, enjoying like crazy ...

To hell to see the world!

October 12, 2000

Tax Jokes and Quotes

Do you realize that some tax forms are asked to check a box if you are blind?

Quote: "Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone with the IRS. Now it is difficult to pass. This is progress." -Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner

Disappointed that you never had time to write the great American novel? Do not worry, just go Dig Out Your tax returns in the past.

Quote: "The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes."

Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request to the IRS asking if They had a file on him. The IRS said: "There is now."

Quote: "It would be nice if everyone could pay their taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required."

Q: Who audits IRS agents?

Quote: "Next to being shot at and missed, is not as satisfying as an income tax refund."

Q: How do you drive a CPA insane?
A: Fill out Form 1040EZ.

Quote: "The deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the courage to collect."

Why is that when the IRS loses a tax return is considered an error, but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?

Quote: "The wages of sin is death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just a sort of feeling tired."

Q: How can humble a person that flaunts their wealth?
A: have them fill out a tax return.

Quote: "Even when you make a shape on the level, you do not know when it's through if you're a crook or a martyr."

Q: Why is a tax audit like a tornado?
A: There's a lot of screaming and you end up losing your home.

Quote: "When are we going to be allowed to list the
Government as an employee? "

People often say death and taxes are the same, but this is wrong. Death is a past event, but taxes never die.

The thin line between strategy and luck: Battleship Pro Tour

I covered the U.S. Battleship Professional Tour since its inception in February 2005. I know not a lot of time for this sport, but believe me, I can not think of a more grueling or strenuous sports to watch, cover or think.

What is the battleship Professional? And 'making a living playing the classic board game Milton Bradley. Some of the best players are: James "The Fat smith" Sheppard III, Hagge-Gadda Haggar, Texas Slim, Texas Hank Carl Floridian, scrupulous Kentucky Lou, Mad Oklahoma Johnson, Idaho The Shocker, Lou "shoulder" Padowski, Green Hornet, James Infomercial and El Presidente De Lo Ricardo Montalban Fan Club

To be the best in Pro Armor must be good, but we must also be lucky. Sometimes you have to be real lucky.

"I was in a best-of-99 match and could not finish my opponent until he made a series of F1-F15 blunders around 77, which, frankly, I did not understand the logic," said Johnson Mad Oklahoma. "But then I did not care. Ultimately, I ended up winning with little effort."

Texas Slim graduated from the A1, A3/G1 School G3 to call a game. Sometimes it's served me well. Other times it is not.

"I was humiliated as a man, certainly," Texas Slim says. "But that comes with the territory. Battleship teaches how to be a better man."

When you go "nothing but white" Pro battleship, which means no place, but pegs white board opponents' for at least five rounds, it can become very frustrating.

"You feel like a cream puff girl, maybe a silly or scary imp pessimistic," said James "The Fat smith" Sheppard III. "Some guys do not do it. I saw their careers ruined tour."

Battleship Pro can be rough, but the rewards can be amazing. Lou scrupulous Kentucky has won more than $ 10.45 in his career. James infomercial averages about $ 1.10 every 6-8 weeks.

"Some people think we are crazy," said James Infomercial. "Well, if so, then so be it."

Good soup?

If you want to get rave reviews about any soup you make, the first element is to ensure that your loved one first has a long, steady diet of military food. Here's our story:

When my husband and I were married, was in the army for months and had lived off food military. We bought a small trailer, waiting to be delivered and connected, we lived with another young military couple for several weeks.

All four young adults in this family had many responsibilities and lots going on with life, so the end of housekeeping things were quite lax. One evening we are all keen and started cleaning. There was a pot that was several days old, dried macaroni and cheese stuck all over the pan. The husband told the wife to put hot water and soap in it and let it soak.

The next day, she and I both had the morning off, so we went to do laundry at the laundry room. We came home after lunch to find a note of our husband, saying: "Thank you for good soup." We looked at each other and asked, "What soup?" None of us could understand, so just figured the guys must be losing, and shrugged off.

When I arrived home that evening, we asked: "What soup is referring?" With this, her husband's eyes got huge as he remembered then tell his wife to fill the pan with the old, dried macaroni and cheese with hot, soapy water and was left on the stove to soak. They had warmed up this mess and ate soap! Not only ate half of the kettle.

You can be sure that all appreciate real food that is cooked. Its so nice to be appreciated. It 's so nice to cook for "non-picky eaters."

The Gingerbread Nightmare

Do you ever see those beautiful gingerbread houses during vacation periods that are so beautiful? They look so simple, and look like such a fun project to do with children doing gifts for grandparents. I could only hear .... Soft Christmas music in the background, the warm, spicy smell of gingerbread fills the air, the warmth of friendly fire in a snowy day, and my children and I build these luscious goodies sure to bless our family and friends, and all the cheap as well.

That was fantasy. Where was my mind? How could I forget the little thing we call reality? Have you ever noticed how the professionals make things easy? This is the sign of a professional.

The first reality check was the shop. The money was very tight and it seemed a great way to give as gift to several loved ones. After we have been shopping for candy and the ingredients of these gingerbread houses, the bill of almost $ 75. I almost fainted. (We could have bought with great gifts, or even bought beautiful gingerbread houses).

As for Christmas music, the children insisted on Chipmunk's
Christmas carols. Have you ever heard more than a Chipmunk Song at a time? Have you ever noticed that what makes a brain?

The fire was beautiful, but then we had fights about whose turn it was to feed the fire. Two guys can fight over anything, and nothing works it is really worth a fight.

We started with the batter, and that part turned out! It 'been so
delicious ... .. in fact we had to do more because after all we eat pasta, it was not enough for the houses. Then .... Back to make more dough.

This particular dough should be chilled, then rolled, then cut pieces out of the house from a paper mold with a knife. Ok, got the part. We put it in the oven for cooking, and half the pieces burned terribly. The other half were perfect, but you can not build a house with half the components. So ... .. we had to make more dough. Now, we're not having fun anymore. It's getting late and the mother begins to want to get this mess cleaned up
hours. We finished the new house to pieces and it was like midnight, I had long put to bed the child was irritable and now this. The only thing to do now was to cool everything (including spirits), and the attempt of tomorrow decoration.

Uh .... New day is a miracle that a bit 'of sleep do ya. Now we have to make hard icing that will act as a glue to hold together pieces of the house, time to build. Time for the fun to begin with, we're ready boy!

We start assembling the house, and half of the roof piece broke in two on one of the houses. The second house, there are pieces of correspondence incorrectly. In a third house, we passed all these first two obstacles and now have great difficulty getting props for keeping house together, while the "glue" dried, and repeatedly falling apart and causing the oldest child
have a temper tantrum in frustration (mom too). Somehow through this fiasco, you end up with a profitable home. (The others, hard dog biscuit type things for the family pet). Oh well, needs her Christmas goodies, right? We frosted the house and each child decorated half.

The end result? A $ 75. ugly house of gingerbread that only a grandmother (with the excuse of mother) would take and not be insulted by too. But we did achieve one of our goals .... It is a memory. A memory that we affectionately called "The Gingerbread
Nightmare. "

Five Minutes

Every day.

You are curved at the computer, browsing the keys with ease - or, like me, poking each stroke with the speed of a. .. umm ... Well, it did rhyme!

Every day.

Are you fascinated for hours by the wonders of Internet business - you market, you negotiate, you design, it is believed, is the search, chat ... very ...

Every day.

Fascinated and empowered by Cyber-independence, and you think the scheme, plot and dream.

While life in the real world going on around you ...

"Hey Mom, can I eat now?'s Three!"

"Huh? Whaa ... yes, five minutes, honey ... lessee, click here ..."

Funny how the daily grind has not ground to a halt ...

"Dad? Couldya sign this? Says only that you know of my tryin 'to burn the school and ya assume full financial responsibility ... No big deal, couple alarms ..."

"Darn HTML code ... Hmm? Yeah ... five minutes, umm ... son?"

Things just keep rolling on ...

"You need to see this strong cold Scuzbucket built me and Billy, grandmother! And we got grenades, napalm, intercontinental ballistic missiles couple ... sooo cool!"

"Whazzat? D'Ja wants something, honey?" I'll be right there ... just five minutes ... "

Life is so ...

"You Greenbaumgarten Dilbert? Lord, are you aware that your children are carrying a stock sale of stolen goods in your garage? You must come with us, sir."

"Yes, yes ... garage sale, ahh ... to be with ya in five minutes ... just leave money in the coffee can on the folding table, K?"

Every day.

Only five minutes ...

Whoa ... super-important e-mail ... ahh, look, both with ya in five minutes ... seen the boys? Honey? Hello? Coulda sworn we had the first mobile ...