Yes, it is the pillar of society that has been with us since that slippery dude threw humanity for a curve in the Garden of Eden - that cornerstone of society has been automated.
Pests no longer be around to restaurants and train stations and villages loud singing and playing their harpsichords. Now we have machines to do this for us - the machines as television and radio and elevator muzak and Mustangs backfires.
In the old days, you can just throw a brick in a public nuisance, and usually confined to two minutes - five if the brick hit the mark.
But it's hard to throw a brick at a television, as owners of bars bloodthirsty send lawyers after you, something that the public knew nothing old-fashioned inconvenience. And how do you throw a brick at the shadowy creature production Muzak elevator?
So it was inevitable that some guy named Mitch Altman would have invented a way to neutralize those high-tech high-tech public disturbances. It 's a key infrared called TV-B-Gone that turns off TVs remotely intrusive.
"Hey I was watching that show," calls the six-foot-four, burly guy at the bar. "Who has zapped my show unzap five seconds of it., Or I get off this stool." Oh well. I suppose there are still some technical adjustments to tinker with.
But I thought, "Hey. I could invent something useful like that. I could invent a brick high-tech to close the high-tech public disturbance for at least five minutes." So I did.
First, I started to beat Muzak. I invented a device called Automated Elevator Hostage Taker. I was so excited, I decided to take it for a test drive. I found a very tall building and went straight to the elevator.
Halfway, I activated my Automated Elevator Hostage Taker. "Aha!" I called out. "We have your elevator hostage. If you shut off the muzak, we release it unharmed."
The other passengers looked at me as if I had a purple horn growing out of one ear.
"I said, turn off the muzak and your lift will not be harmed."
One of the passengers were starting to get interested. "What the * $ &% you think you're doing?"
I was positively giddy that my traveling companions were so eager to participate. One of them even wanted to get my hands on my Automated Elevator Hostage Taker, but for reasons of public safety could not leave inexperienced hands, until he was fully tested in the laboratory and field.
"How did your test drive go?" my wife asked.
I watched from my hospital bed. "I think the next prototype will have life insurance.
Fortunately, I got another invention as soon as I recovered. I call it the exhaust pipe plug-in. Cars emit more smoke smell horrible. No. Wait. Take That back. Cars emit the second most horrible smoke smell. diesel buses emit more smoke smell horrible.
But those days will soon be over, people arm themselves with their own tailpipe plug-in.
"How?" my wife asked.
"So glad he asked. It uses Spidey.
"Spidey technology?" looked puzzled.
"Exactly. You know, like Spiderman. We say that a bus is a few meters and threatens to erupt out black smelly yucky stuff. You just hit on the wrist like this ..."
SPLat! BANG! CRASH!
"Oops."
"You knocked my lamp and broke premium. And what is this ugly goop splattered all over the carpet and the wall? Ugh. Get it off, my wife asked.
"I can not."
"What do you mean, you can not?" she raged.
'It is like the expanding foam insulation. No. Wait.' As very fast-curing expanding foam insulation.
"Well, what do you think?" my wife wanted to know.
"I think I'll put on a warning label - do not use at home."
Once back in my hospital bed, I realized I had not given the correct answer.
I still had many inventions left in me. As the automatic parking No Sign-Dissolver. And Perfumalizer, practical for use in crowded buses where people hold on bars and placed over their heads. And I can not wait to invent the Escalator Fast-forward button.
But for now, are too distracted by the television series very strong my hospital roommate are watching. I sure could use Mitch TV-B-Gone right about now.
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