It 'was just the other day I learned that the first recorded use of contraception was in 2000 BC by the Egyptians. I can not say because I learned the fact, as I can not understand why I do not know the words to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" twenty years after his release. These things enter the brain and stick like chewing gum in a sock there to annoy one for all time. But try to remember to take the cake from the oven or out to take his sunglasses off the pharmacy counter is not a ... hope in hell.
It was not the fact that the Egyptians used contraceptives that turned my head, intelligent people for a man those Egyptians. No, it was that used by the staff he has done.
Crocodile dung.
At this point the learning curve the mind goes into overdrive. Who first discovered that crocodile dung made a good contraceptive. And how they use it?
"Hey Cleo, that bloody crocodile has crapped in our bed. Hmmm I wonder ....".
The importance of dung as a contraceptive was not lost on either the Aztecs. It is a little known fact that Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name means
"Plenty of excrement." Naming the poor, unfortunate child in this way obviously served as a useful reminder for the father Cuitlahac of lard on the crocodile dung in future meetings.
The gathering of crocodile dung must have been quite an adventure. There's a good chance that crocodile dung was not available over the counter at Boots in tablet form, nor was it a question of nipping into the toilets of pubs and buy it in packs of three from a machine.
"You get them Tut?"
"Yer.
"Hope you have flavored ones. What did you taste?"
"Crocodile".
Images of rampant young Egyptian swim through the mind, feverishly searching the banks of the Nile their loincloths outrageously tents by their ardor. "This crock, crock." Imaging panic if the young man should actually find the crocodile and then realizes that, like all animals, crocodiles go to the bathroom after eating. Perhaps it was this thought alone that served as a contraceptive.
"Not now Nephatiti I have a headache."
Randy must have crossed young minds that perhaps it was not just crocodile dung, which would serve as a contraceptive. Many experiments with other types of dung must have taken place.
"What a beautiful family you have."
"Yes, this is our greatest 'Elephant crap is useless' and here we have the twins' Never use camel' and 'that bloody camel dung is rubbish'. And this is just our youngest, 'Hey-ho, back to the crocodile shit '. "
It must be said that the whole notion of using crocodile dung is so fraught with improbability that I suspect that it was a ruse put on by Egyptian father to deter young courtiers. My suspicion is that the fathers would only grant permission for young boys to take their daughters with the condition who had a piece of crocodile dung in the portfolio where you overwhelmed by passion. So warned the young people would wade out into the river or to become crocodile crap themselves or to be aware that crocodiles only do their bathroom after eating. In both cases the young would not be further disturbed young man who would simply take you downtown to find a young woman whose father was or was not attentive or had not heard that about the crocodile dung.
Today, of course, ardent young people should not suffer the wrath of their counterparts in ancient Egypt. All it takes these days is to slip into the toilet at the local pub and feed the machine thin wall a couple of pound coins. Of course, the draw will not be able to browse and no amount of turning the knob will cause the packet to drop. Kicking and banging the machine is not an option as this will only serve to draw attention to themselves. The result is the same. Neither ancient Egypt, nor the modern young man was able to obtain contraception needed. And if the lady in question is reasonable, this means that neither the young man is coming his way proverbial.
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